Progress

This pile of soggy swimwear and towels represents progress. So much progress. 

Crippling anxiety stopped me from doing swimming lessons with A when I was pregnant with O. And once I had both of them, I couldn't get my head around the logistics. By the time I'd mustered up enough courage to book them lessons the pandemic hit. 

Today was O's first lesson. The first time he'd been in a swimming pool. I wore my swimsuit underneath just in case I needed to jump in and help. But he was great - and he loved it. The swimming instructor asked if I wanted to hop in and have a quick swim at the same time. I hesitated for the briefest of moments before stripping off. A whole lane to myself. Such a lovely way to spend half an hour - as was the coffee and brownie afterwards. A is booked in for next week. 

And just like that, I get to swim twice a week without trying to squeeze in time for me around the edges and the kids finally get to learn how to swim. What a joy. Next time I'll remember my hairbrush, shampoo, deodorant and moisturiser...

My resolution this year - me

Whether it's becoming a mother, a midult, the pandemic or just general overwhelm, I have, over the last decade, lost me. The years focused on trying to become a family and the subsequent rollercoaster that is motherhood. Pushed out of the role I loved, one I'd worked tirelessly for by a new boss who tried to use my second pregnancy as an excuse and when thwarted put up as many blockers as she could on my return. I had no fight left, quietly I acquiesced and moved sideways into a secondment I'd hustled. My self-esteem had plummeted. I now look back and wonder how I ever did that role, why anyone ever thought I was worthy of that position. Imposter syndrome has settled in like a comfort blanket. 

Put simply - I've lost my identity. And it's time to do something about it if I want my children to be proud of me.

1. Dry January - far tougher than I thought it was going to be but a much needed circuit-breaker to the daily wine o'clock. 14 days and counting. 

2. Daily planning and goal setting - I've always tried to leave planning and goals to the world of work, but if I want any progress to be made on the house and on myself then embracing it at home is the only way forward. We'll just ignore the week lost to Covid...

3. Getting creative - I miss being creative. I miss the art direction of my old role, the copy writing, the autonomy. Rather than brood, I need to make time for it at home. Writing on here is a start. Picking up a pen and writing real letters another. I've the bones of a children's book that I want to do. Sketching. Researching. I'm attempting my first quilt this month.   

4. Movement - I don't move. Have barely done so since the pandemic started. For me, working part-time makes it harder to justify time away from the desk. That said, once a week I do get a joyous hour to myself in the daylight hours when A is at gymnastics, 60 glorious minutes to walk along the Thames towpath. And I have a brand new Bamford yoga mat from Mr M which is calling out to be used. I just need to make the time - and manage diaries with Mr M.

5. Self - after years of following Anna Mathur and listening to her podcasts, I bought her book Know Your Worth last Autumn. Naturally, like all of my non-fiction books, it's sat on the side table looking pretty. So, last night I finally bought and downloaded her 3 courses - The Week on Worth, Reframing Anxiety and People Pleasing. I'm started The Week on Worth and am finding it so insightful and, most importantly, helpful. 

These are just a few of the things I'm quietly making time for. To become stronger. To feel like me again.